The Paradox of Parenthood
As the writer of a technical blog, this is a very different type of post for me. I was doing a morning walk around my office building and, as it is my birthday, was reflecting on where my life is and what my future might look like. I was texting my father this morning before work, responding to his "Happy Birthday" message and he commented "This is when time starts to move fast. Then you wake up one day and your kids are grown and you wonder where time went." It is obviously a shared human experience that time marches on and we're forced to watch our parents die and children leave us. And that, while quite sad, presented to me a paradox of parenthood:
1. Identity is distinct from parents. I feel very distinct from my parents. Perhaps it is because they are divorced so there is no family unit anymore, but the main character of my identity is not "son". People often talk about the many different roles they play in life: son, husband, father, and while this may be technically true, if I ask myself "Who am I?", "Son" does not come to mind.
2. Identity is dependent on children. I feel intimately connected to my son. The main character of my identity is father, which definitionally is dependent on the relationship with my son.
3. I don't want my son to leave! Maybe this will change when he is a teenager, and I of course intellectually understand that the goal of a parent is to raise an independent child with their own life...but I still don't want my son to leave, emotionally at least. Since my identity is dependent on my son, when the relationship radically changes when he leaves, it will, in a sense, cast away my identity, requiring a new main character to take the stage.
4. My parents might feel this way. Understanding this about myself, and how perplexed I am by the idea I will ever be able to forget rocking my son to sleep, or tickling him until he baby giggles, it seems likely my parents may have some of these nostalgic feelings. Perhaps they can't look at me and forget the little guy I used to be, dependent and happy to be with them. Despite this, I have no desire to revert my identity to that person, despite part of me wanting to hold on to my baby boy.
This may all be self-evident to most readers (if anyone actually reads my blog!), but it does give me some somber reflection. A few weeks ago, I was getting ready to leave the house and run an errand, and my son inexplicably walked up to me and gave me a 10 second hug. I wished I could hold on to that moment forever. I wish I could still provide my own parents that level of happiness and satisfaction with life. Unfortunately, time marches on, the moment passes, and I know that I am closer to saying goodbye to both my parents and my children. A tragedy of life!